Love Reminds Us
by Pineapple Bacardi
Summary: Slash. In the wake of her affair with Lancelot, Gwen confronts Arthur about his feelings for Merlin. Arthur/Merlin. Gwen/Lancelot.


_Life is beautiful, but it's complicated, we barely make it._

Gwen was not quite sure when she realized that her marriage to King Arthur was never meant to be. She had loved him once, though. She still loved him, but somehow, that never seemed to be enough. Not enough for both of them. Gwen was young, naïve and in love when she married Arthur. She didn't realize what she gave herself into. She didn't realize how much she was giving up. After her father died, she was so vulnerable and uncertain; there were times when she felt so uncomfortable in her own skin. Arthur gave hope back to her, his devotion and friendship put her back together. But it was never enough. Already during the wedding ceremony, Gwen had gotten second thoughts. She didn't quite understand the carefully hidden pain in her future husband's eyes, but with the years, she finally realized why there was a constant pain in his face.

A few days after celebrating their 3rd anniversary, Gwen had entered their bedchambers to find a very familiar-looking red neckerchief tied tightly to one of the bedposts. It had stunned and shocked her. She wasn't sure what to make of it but she refused to believe what that little voice in her head was telling her. She ignored the voice for a whole year.

One late summer evening, Arthur and his knights returned from fighting a battle with the Saxons in the north. It had been a vicious fight and there had been casualties. Gwen had run down to the courtyard to greet her husband. Gawain had let her known that he was in the stables. She had rushed up to the stables, falling short as she saw Arthur's bloody armour lying in the hay right outside. She had opened the door, almost knowing what to expect, but she still had to stifle a shocked gasp at what she saw. Merlin pressed up against the wall, Arthur, shirtless, kissing him frantically. They were grasping at each other desperately, hands running across naked skin, soft moaning.

"I thought you were dead," Merlin had whispered, his voice tormented. Arthur had stroked Merlin's cheek tenderly, leaning his forehead against Merlin's.

"God, I missed you," Arthur had replied back hoarsely, kissing his way down Merlin's neck and naked chest. Merlin had closed his eyes, running his hands through Arthur's hair.

That was the first night Gwen spent with Lancelot.

After that, one night became one too many. At first Gwen felt extreme guilt, but with time she just couldn't help herself. And one day, she had realized that she was not in love with Arthur, she was in love with Lancelot, just like Arthur probably had realized he wasn't in love with her. Gwen didn't blame Merlin; she didn't even blame Arthur, because somewhere deep down, she knew that the King of Camelot was not supposed to be with her. She was just heartbroken that this was the way things had to end.

Gwen sighed heavily, fingering the necklace around her throat. Her father had given it to her when she was younger; right after her mother had passed away. Her father had told her that the necklace would help fight off angry dreams. Gwen stared out of the window. It was evening now; the sun had just set behind the mountains, the last rays casting a curious purple colour across the sky. The door opened behind her softly and she turned and looked at her husband expectably as he walked in, his expression weary.

"Guinevere," he said tiredly and nodded. Nothing else, just her name. She was expecting him to say something more, perhaps do some yelling and cursing, but he just looked at her as if he hadn't sleep in years, so tired, so worn. He walked over to the table and put down his sword, sighing.

"I gave you all the love I had," she told him softly, letting go off the pendant around her neck. Arthur just slumped slightly, and kept looking at her. "At first I never quite understood what the problem was between us, but I think, perhaps, deep down I knew." She walked over to the bed, her fingers touching the bedpost and Arthur's eyes narrowed. "All those times we were together, I saw it in your eyes, even during our wedding. You never once thought of me. You were somewhere else completely."

"I never wanted this," Arthur replied simply, his face darkening.

She shook her head, disagreeing. "I think you did, though. On some level, you never wanted _us._"

Arthur started forward. "Guinevere-"

"I was a fool," she smiled softly. "I was blind. I couldn't see what was right in front of me. It has been Merlin all along, hasn't?"

He exhaled heavily, looking away, his eyes pained. She didn't need him to confirm it. She already knew and on some level, it was okay. She knew it was going to come to this, she was prepared for it. She already knew.

"I couldn't control how I felt, just like you couldn't," he whispered, meeting her eyes.

She shook her head again. "I know, Arthur, but I still have to wonder, how long did the two of you-?" She faltered, losing her words and looked at the King for support.

"It wasn't constant, I need you to know that," Arthur said quietly, his eyes glistening in the pale light coming from the fire. "There were just… moments of weakness, moments when we just-"

"Needed each other," she finished softly, her voice whispery. Arthur nodded and looked away. "I'm sorry, I never meant for this to happen."

Arthur snorted and straightened. "Don't say anything; I don't want your apologies." Gwen bowed her head. "The thing is, I don't know what hurts the most, knowing that my own knight betrayed my trust, or that I betrayed Merlin."

"Arthur-"

"I don't make promises just like that," Arthur said in a low voice. "I made promises to Merlin and I betrayed him. I betrayed him." Arthur leaned his hands against the fireplace, staring into the red and yellow flames.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice failing her, a lump forming in her throat. Her eyes watered with tears. She hadn't only betrayed Arthur, but Merlin too. How much Merlin must've been hurt in this whole affair. They had been such close friends once. What had happened to them? How did they end up here? "Oh Arthur, we were never meant to be married."

"You're right," Arthur looked over at his queen. "We were never meant to be married." Arthur straightened and turned to her, his face looked troubled. "I will tell the court that I have exiled you and that I have sent you to a nunnery. I will arrange a horse and a guard to smuggle you out of the castle at midnight." Gwen's mouth fell open. "Lancelot will wait for you in the forest," Arthur finished and grabbed his sword that was lying on the table.

Gwen took a step forward. "Sire, I can't just-"

"Yes, you can, Guinevere," Arthur stated as he turned to leave. "I want the two of you out of my kingdom." Arthur opened the door and walked out, not sparing one last glance at her. That was the last time she ever saw her husband and King.

Gwen let out a small gasp, her hand covering her mouth, shocked at the sudden grief that swelled inside of her. She didn't know how to feel. But at the same time, she felt a rush of relief and freedom surge through her.

She was no longer Guinevere, Queen of Camelot. Now, she was just Gwen. She was Gwen again.


End file.
